Toyota Lottery SCAM

EXCERPT OF EMAIL I RECEIVED:

PRIZE AWARD NOTIFICATION

DEAR Sir/MA

We are pleased to inform you of the announcement made today, You are among the winners of the TOYOTA CAR INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from all part of the world as part of our electronic business Promotions Program.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Please be informed that your won fund of the sum of US$1,000,000.00 is now with the payee center. Contact our agent and give them your full names so that they will re-insure your winning fund under your full names. Together with the port where your winning car should be shipped to.

Mr. Ken Brown

MY RESPONSE:

Dear Mr. Brown,

Greetings and salutations to your royal majesty. I speak not from my heart, but from the pit of my sexual being when I say thank you for getting in touch with me. But, before we do business, I must insist that we get to know each other first. Let me tell you some things about myself...

1) As a child, my father would kick me down the stairs if I would urinate between the hours of 6 AM and 6 PM. This happened to me every day until I was 32 and then I was finally able to kick him down the stairs. It was funny to see him and his wheelchair tumbling down into the darkness. However, to this day, whenever I see staircase, my testicles begin to ache and I vomit hysterically.

2) I am sexually attracted to dangerous animals. I cannot help this. I have tried to avoid alligators and wild dogs, but the seductive expressions in their beedy little eyes just drive me wild and I must have them at that instant Do not try to change this about me.

3) I masturbate while watching commercials for underarm deodorant. I often cry when I do this. Afterwards, I go and shower for several hours and scrub my shameful body with a Brillo pad. I then cry some more and eat mayonnaise straight from the jar. Some people call this bizarre, but I call it "Friday Night."

4) I love hookers....but I do not like to pay them. This has caused me much difficulty.

Anyway, tell me about yourself, Mr. Brown Toyota Japan Lottery. Tell me as much as you can. And, please, tell me your dirty fantasies. I will tell you mine later -- needless to say, they revolve exclusively around Dame Judi Dench, rawr!

Kevin "The Sweaty Masturbator" Mitchell

International Lottery SCAM

EXCERPT OF SPAM EMAIL I RECEIVED:

Dear Sir/Ma,

CLAIM YOUR FUND!
We the member of the Euromillions/Ventural International Lottery
which to inform you that your Email Address has won a prize Sum of
(1.000,000.00 Euros) One Million Euros only in the EURO MILLION 2008
Email Sweepstakes International Loteria Program held in-Spain and
Organise by the Euromillion/Ventural Lottery International.

MY RESPONSE:

Dear Sir/Mama

Fuck your lottery! I have a better idea! It a business idea that I
dare say will make us millions of dollars!

Now, as we all know, raising earthworms is a booming industry. That's
right, I said RAISING EARTHWORMS IS A BOOMING INDUSTRY, you deaf
muthafucka! And I need a partner to help me start up my earthworm
business. For a paltry investment of $500,000 cash, you can become
part of the fastest growing industry in the midwest northern region of
the lower 23 states!

How can we make money from earthworms, you ask? Simple. I will raise
the earthworms and then grind them into lunch meat and sell them to
the schools in my area. I mean, these kids are so young that they
have barely tasted any kind of food in their short, pathetic lives --
so who are they to spit it out and say "ewwww, that's not cow meat!"

Interesting fact: did you know that, pound-for-pound, earthworm meat
makes a much better lubricant for your car engine than does ostrich
meat? So if it's good enough for your car engine, why isn't it good
enough for your fat little children to shove it down their gullets?

Now, people often say to me: "Kevin, I don't want my child eating
earthworms." And, my usual response is: "Fuck you, you brain-dead
hick! If you can't appreciate the genius of my plan, then you can go
fuck a goat for all I care. My father also said I'd be nothing and
now look where I am -- the CEO of a successful earthworm grinding
business! Who are you to criticize me?? Security!" As you can see,
I am a consummate professional.

I even thought of a name for the company: "Slithering Meats Food Co."
Catchy, right? Yeah, I though of that while I was masturbating out a
5th story window. Don't ask, it's a long story. Let me just say that
God did not intend for humans to simultaneously snort cocaine and
watch pornography after being awake for 103 hours straight.

Anyway, yes, fuck your lottery. Fuck it to hell. Our children need
worm meat! Fund my company...or else!

Much Love,

Kevin "The Worm Grinder" Mitchell

Microsoft Lottery SCAM

SPAM EMAIL I RECEIVED:

Dear Winner,

We the entire staffs of Microsoft Corporations here in Valencia wish to congratulate you for being one of the lucky winners in this season's lottery promotion. Microsoft Corporations rolled out over €16,000.000.00 (Sixteen Million Euros) to encourage the use of the Internet and promote computer literacy worldwide. All participants were selected through our Microsoft computer ballot system drawn from 42,000 Names

INFORMATION NEEDED FROM YOU TO SEND YOUR LAPTOP AND TO ISSUE YOUR CHEQUE ON YOUR FULL NAME AND CONTACT ADDRESS!!

YOUR FULL NAME:
OCCUPATION:
AGE:
SEX:
ADDRESS:
POST CODE:
CITY:
STATE:
COUNTRY:
MOBILE-TELEPHONE:
FAX NUMBER:
WINNER EMAIL ADDRESS:
REFERENCE NUMBER:

Congratulations in advance.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Celino Ramses

MY RESPONSE:

Dear Mr. Ramses,

I am glad you contacted me. I am sick of hearing from Mr. Sheik and Mr. Trojan. But since it is you, Mr. Ramses, I am engorged with delight.

I also understand why you are giving away this money. I have often said to myself, "Kevin, MORE people need to use the internet" and now you are helping that effort! God bless you! I personally use the internet to view pornography. Before the internet, I had to wear a trench coat and shamefully go to a porn shop and buy magazines like an animal! But, now I can roll off my futon in the morning, evacuate my bowels, eat cereal, and watch porn online (as a side note, I do all of those activities simultaneously).

Anyway, yes, my information:

FULL NAME: Kevin "Pornography" Mitchell
OCCUPATION: Test subject for experimental medications.
AGE: A lady never tells.
SEX: Oh God, I want some sex. Then I wouldn't have to waste my life watching porn online.
ADDRESS: The 23rd Street YMCA.
POST CODE: I don't know what this is.
CITY: Again, I am at a loss for words.
STATE: Drunk.
MOBILE-TELEPHONE: Why must you mock me? You know I can't afford that shit.
FAX: See previous answer. Assholes.
WINNER EMAIL ADDRESS: Alas, I am a loser at life, so I have no winner email address. But you may respond to this one, if you wish. kmitchell69@gmail.com
REFERENCE NUMBER: What the hell is this?

In conclusion, I want my money by the end of the day in several metal briefcases. Instructions will follow. And don't try anything funny. I am smart. Smarter than the average porpoise. So watch out!

Kevin "Shifty" Mitchell