MESSAGE I RECEIVED:
Hello From Miriam,
Hi,I am Miriam David,please how are you hope you are fine and in perfect condition of health I got your contact during my internet private search directory and i read it and took interest in you,please if you don't mind i will like you to write me on this ID so that i can send you my pictures and tell you more about my self hope to hear from you soon,and I will be waiting for your mail because i have something VERY important to tell you Lot of love Miriam
MY REPLY:
Hi Miriam / David,
Thank you for reaching out to me. Now, let me get this straight -- you are two people? Miriam and David? I am definitely interested, however, I don't think I can date someone who is living a double-life. That has happened to be before and it was awful. Let me explain...
It was the spring of 1987 and I was a young kid attending the Rhode Island College for the Exceptionally Gifted. My major was psychic telekinesis -- I was training to move things with my mind. One day, I went to class as usual and we had a new student: Waxana. She was beautiful, smart, and every 72 hours she produced enough wax in her ears to make a small candle (I think that was the "exceptional power" she was trying to cultivate). Anyway, I immediately started to court her by taking her to eat dinner on the basketball court. I would cook all manner of fine meats for her insatiable appetite (which was considerable). She wasn't much of a talker, but she would periodically brush my hair with her long nails, and I would in return brush her hair. It was magical.
Then, one day, I was waiting to meet with her for a study session -- I wore my magician's cape and top hat, as was the fashion back in those days -- but she never showed up. Panicked, I went looking for her, only to find she had been subdued by Animal Control. I screamed at
them "This is not an animal! This is my girlfriend Waxana!" It was then that I learned the horrible truth -- the Animal Control Supervisor sat me down and told me quite frankly: "son, you've been dating a black bear." I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I said "sir, I don't care what color she is, I will date her anyway!" He then slapped me straight across the face and proclaimed: "No, you fucking idiot! She is a BEAR! A fucking BEAR! You're lucky she didn't rip your goddamn face off!" After letting the information sink in, I calmly replied: "Well, after the way you've treated me here today... I wonder, who is the real animal?"
With that, I got up and left, never to see my beloved Waxana again. Oh yeah, and the college turned out to be a scam, too.
Anyway, you see my point. Which one are you? Miriam or David? I'm not going to date a bear again, damn you. Never again! So if this is another ruse, please leave me alone and never speak to me again. But if it is genuine, I suggest we meet and discuss the potential relationship over fine sweet meats.
Call me.
Kevin "Oh My God You're A Bear?" Mitchell
401-648-6543
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Toyota Lottery SCAM
EXCERPT OF EMAIL I RECEIVED:
PRIZE AWARD NOTIFICATION
DEAR Sir/MA
We are pleased to inform you of the announcement made today, You are among the winners of the TOYOTA CAR INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from all part of the world as part of our electronic business Promotions Program.
DEAR Sir/MA
We are pleased to inform you of the announcement made today, You are among the winners of the TOYOTA CAR INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from all part of the world as part of our electronic business Promotions Program.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Please be informed that your won fund of the sum of US$1,000,000.00 is now with the payee center. Contact our agent and give them your full names so that they will re-insure your winning fund under your full names. Together with the port where your winning car should be shipped to.
Please be informed that your won fund of the sum of US$1,000,000.00 is now with the payee center. Contact our agent and give them your full names so that they will re-insure your winning fund under your full names. Together with the port where your winning car should be shipped to.
Mr. Ken Brown
MY RESPONSE:
Dear Mr. Brown,
Greetings and salutations to your royal majesty. I speak not from my heart, but from the pit of my sexual being when I say thank you for getting in touch with me. But, before we do business, I must insist that we get to know each other first. Let me tell you some things about myself...
1) As a child, my father would kick me down the stairs if I would urinate between the hours of 6 AM and 6 PM. This happened to me every day until I was 32 and then I was finally able to kick him down the stairs. It was funny to see him and his wheelchair tumbling down into the darkness. However, to this day, whenever I see staircase, my testicles begin to ache and I vomit hysterically.
2) I am sexually attracted to dangerous animals. I cannot help this. I have tried to avoid alligators and wild dogs, but the seductive expressions in their beedy little eyes just drive me wild and I must have them at that instant Do not try to change this about me.
3) I masturbate while watching commercials for underarm deodorant. I often cry when I do this. Afterwards, I go and shower for several hours and scrub my shameful body with a Brillo pad. I then cry some more and eat mayonnaise straight from the jar. Some people call this bizarre, but I call it "Friday Night."
4) I love hookers....but I do not like to pay them. This has caused me much difficulty.
Anyway, tell me about yourself, Mr. Brown Toyota Japan Lottery. Tell me as much as you can. And, please, tell me your dirty fantasies. I will tell you mine later -- needless to say, they revolve exclusively around Dame Judi Dench, rawr!
Kevin "The Sweaty Masturbator" Mitchell
Greetings and salutations to your royal majesty. I speak not from my heart, but from the pit of my sexual being when I say thank you for getting in touch with me. But, before we do business, I must insist that we get to know each other first. Let me tell you some things about myself...
1) As a child, my father would kick me down the stairs if I would urinate between the hours of 6 AM and 6 PM. This happened to me every day until I was 32 and then I was finally able to kick him down the stairs. It was funny to see him and his wheelchair tumbling down into the darkness. However, to this day, whenever I see staircase, my testicles begin to ache and I vomit hysterically.
2) I am sexually attracted to dangerous animals. I cannot help this. I have tried to avoid alligators and wild dogs, but the seductive expressions in their beedy little eyes just drive me wild and I must have them at that instant Do not try to change this about me.
3) I masturbate while watching commercials for underarm deodorant. I often cry when I do this. Afterwards, I go and shower for several hours and scrub my shameful body with a Brillo pad. I then cry some more and eat mayonnaise straight from the jar. Some people call this bizarre, but I call it "Friday Night."
4) I love hookers....but I do not like to pay them. This has caused me much difficulty.
Anyway, tell me about yourself, Mr. Brown Toyota Japan Lottery. Tell me as much as you can. And, please, tell me your dirty fantasies. I will tell you mine later -- needless to say, they revolve exclusively around Dame Judi Dench, rawr!
Kevin "The Sweaty Masturbator" Mitchell
Sunday, January 10, 2010
International Lottery SCAM
EXCERPT OF SPAM EMAIL I RECEIVED:
Dear Sir/Ma,
CLAIM YOUR FUND!
We the member of the Euromillions/Ventural International Lottery
which to inform you that your Email Address has won a prize Sum of
(1.000,000.00 Euros) One Million Euros only in the EURO MILLION 2008
Email Sweepstakes International Loteria Program held in-Spain and
Organise by the Euromillion/Ventural Lottery International.
CLAIM YOUR FUND!
We the member of the Euromillions/Ventural International Lottery
which to inform you that your Email Address has won a prize Sum of
(1.000,000.00 Euros) One Million Euros only in the EURO MILLION 2008
Email Sweepstakes International Loteria Program held in-Spain and
Organise by the Euromillion/Ventural Lottery International.
MY RESPONSE:
Dear Sir/Mama
Fuck your lottery! I have a better idea! It a business idea that I
dare say will make us millions of dollars!
Now, as we all know, raising earthworms is a booming industry. That's
right, I said RAISING EARTHWORMS IS A BOOMING INDUSTRY, you deaf
muthafucka! And I need a partner to help me start up my earthworm
business. For a paltry investment of $500,000 cash, you can become
part of the fastest growing industry in the midwest northern region of
the lower 23 states!
How can we make money from earthworms, you ask? Simple. I will raise
the earthworms and then grind them into lunch meat and sell them to
the schools in my area. I mean, these kids are so young that they
have barely tasted any kind of food in their short, pathetic lives --
so who are they to spit it out and say "ewwww, that's not cow meat!"
Interesting fact: did you know that, pound-for-pound, earthworm meat
makes a much better lubricant for your car engine than does ostrich
meat? So if it's good enough for your car engine, why isn't it good
enough for your fat little children to shove it down their gullets?
Now, people often say to me: "Kevin, I don't want my child eating
earthworms." And, my usual response is: "Fuck you, you brain-dead
hick! If you can't appreciate the genius of my plan, then you can go
fuck a goat for all I care. My father also said I'd be nothing and
now look where I am -- the CEO of a successful earthworm grinding
business! Who are you to criticize me?? Security!" As you can see,
I am a consummate professional.
I even thought of a name for the company: "Slithering Meats Food Co."
Catchy, right? Yeah, I though of that while I was masturbating out a
5th story window. Don't ask, it's a long story. Let me just say that
God did not intend for humans to simultaneously snort cocaine and
watch pornography after being awake for 103 hours straight.
Anyway, yes, fuck your lottery. Fuck it to hell. Our children need
worm meat! Fund my company...or else!
Much Love,
Kevin "The Worm Grinder" Mitchell
Fuck your lottery! I have a better idea! It a business idea that I
dare say will make us millions of dollars!
Now, as we all know, raising earthworms is a booming industry. That's
right, I said RAISING EARTHWORMS IS A BOOMING INDUSTRY, you deaf
muthafucka! And I need a partner to help me start up my earthworm
business. For a paltry investment of $500,000 cash, you can become
part of the fastest growing industry in the midwest northern region of
the lower 23 states!
How can we make money from earthworms, you ask? Simple. I will raise
the earthworms and then grind them into lunch meat and sell them to
the schools in my area. I mean, these kids are so young that they
have barely tasted any kind of food in their short, pathetic lives --
so who are they to spit it out and say "ewwww, that's not cow meat!"
Interesting fact: did you know that, pound-for-pound, earthworm meat
makes a much better lubricant for your car engine than does ostrich
meat? So if it's good enough for your car engine, why isn't it good
enough for your fat little children to shove it down their gullets?
Now, people often say to me: "Kevin, I don't want my child eating
earthworms." And, my usual response is: "Fuck you, you brain-dead
hick! If you can't appreciate the genius of my plan, then you can go
fuck a goat for all I care. My father also said I'd be nothing and
now look where I am -- the CEO of a successful earthworm grinding
business! Who are you to criticize me?? Security!" As you can see,
I am a consummate professional.
I even thought of a name for the company: "Slithering Meats Food Co."
Catchy, right? Yeah, I though of that while I was masturbating out a
5th story window. Don't ask, it's a long story. Let me just say that
God did not intend for humans to simultaneously snort cocaine and
watch pornography after being awake for 103 hours straight.
Anyway, yes, fuck your lottery. Fuck it to hell. Our children need
worm meat! Fund my company...or else!
Much Love,
Kevin "The Worm Grinder" Mitchell
Friday, January 1, 2010
Microsoft Lottery SCAM
SPAM EMAIL I RECEIVED:
We the entire staffs of Microsoft Corporations here in Valencia wish to congratulate you for being one of the lucky winners in this season's lottery promotion. Microsoft Corporations rolled out over €16,000.000.00 (Sixteen Million Euros) to encourage the use of the Internet and promote computer literacy worldwide. All participants were selected through our Microsoft computer ballot system drawn from 42,000 Names
INFORMATION NEEDED FROM YOU TO SEND YOUR LAPTOP AND TO ISSUE YOUR CHEQUE ON YOUR FULL NAME AND CONTACT ADDRESS!!
YOUR FULL NAME:
OCCUPATION:
AGE:
SEX:
ADDRESS:
POST CODE:
CITY:
STATE:
COUNTRY:
MOBILE-TELEPHONE:
FAX NUMBER:
WINNER EMAIL ADDRESS:
REFERENCE NUMBER:
Dear Winner,
We the entire staffs of Microsoft Corporations here in Valencia wish to congratulate you for being one of the lucky winners in this season's lottery promotion. Microsoft Corporations rolled out over €16,000.000.00 (Sixteen Million Euros) to encourage the use of the Internet and promote computer literacy worldwide. All participants were selected through our Microsoft computer ballot system drawn from 42,000 Names
INFORMATION NEEDED FROM YOU TO SEND YOUR LAPTOP AND TO ISSUE YOUR CHEQUE ON YOUR FULL NAME AND CONTACT ADDRESS!!
YOUR FULL NAME:
OCCUPATION:
AGE:
SEX:
ADDRESS:
POST CODE:
CITY:
STATE:
COUNTRY:
MOBILE-TELEPHONE:
FAX NUMBER:
WINNER EMAIL ADDRESS:
REFERENCE NUMBER:
Congratulations in advance.
Yours faithfully,
Mr. Celino Ramses
MY RESPONSE:
Dear Mr. Ramses,
I am glad you contacted me. I am sick of hearing from Mr. Sheik and Mr. Trojan. But since it is you, Mr. Ramses, I am engorged with delight.
I also understand why you are giving away this money. I have often said to myself, "Kevin, MORE people need to use the internet" and now you are helping that effort! God bless you! I personally use the internet to view pornography. Before the internet, I had to wear a trench coat and shamefully go to a porn shop and buy magazines like an animal! But, now I can roll off my futon in the morning, evacuate my bowels, eat cereal, and watch porn online (as a side note, I do all of those activities simultaneously).
Anyway, yes, my information:
FULL NAME: Kevin "Pornography" Mitchell
OCCUPATION: Test subject for experimental medications.
AGE: A lady never tells.
SEX: Oh God, I want some sex. Then I wouldn't have to waste my life watching porn online.
ADDRESS: The 23rd Street YMCA.
POST CODE: I don't know what this is.
CITY: Again, I am at a loss for words.
STATE: Drunk.
MOBILE-TELEPHONE: Why must you mock me? You know I can't afford that shit.
FAX: See previous answer. Assholes.
WINNER EMAIL ADDRESS: Alas, I am a loser at life, so I have no winner email address. But you may respond to this one, if you wish. kmitchell69@gmail.com
REFERENCE NUMBER: What the hell is this?
In conclusion, I want my money by the end of the day in several metal briefcases. Instructions will follow. And don't try anything funny. I am smart. Smarter than the average porpoise. So watch out!
Kevin "Shifty" Mitchell
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Cheap Drugs SCAM
SPAM EMAIL I RECEIVED:
hey where were you
i called you 3 times.anyway
here is the store that i told to you.they have great medicines
for cheap
http://www.sevenoffice.com
i called you 3 times.anyway
here is the store that i told to you.they have great medicines
for cheap
http://www.sevenoffice.com
- jane
MY RESPONSE:
Fucking hell! I was right by the phone, Jane! I mean, come on! I was waiting all night for you to call. I distinctly remember saying to you after work "hey, i need to go pick up my ear medicine, so just call me when you get in." I spend ALL FUCKING NIGHT waiting by that phone for you to call. You inconsiderate biatch!
Anyway, what's up with this "store" that you say is "cheap." I don't want that cheap shit. You know when I snort the cheap shit my eyeballs start to itch and I bleed from my asshole. So, no, I don't want to try your fucking "cheap" "store." Who the fuck do you think I am? A cheap store whore??? Is that all I am to you? A fucking cheap store whore? Answer me! Why are you just standing there? Got something to hide?
Baby, I'm sorry, that outburst was uncalled for. It's just...I haven't had any of the good shit in like 25 minutes and I'm a little edgy. Come here, baby. You know I'd never hurt you. Look, I'm putting down the frying pan. There it is, right on the floor.
Anyway, what's up with this "store" that you say is "cheap." I don't want that cheap shit. You know when I snort the cheap shit my eyeballs start to itch and I bleed from my asshole. So, no, I don't want to try your fucking "cheap" "store." Who the fuck do you think I am? A cheap store whore??? Is that all I am to you? A fucking cheap store whore? Answer me! Why are you just standing there? Got something to hide?
Baby, I'm sorry, that outburst was uncalled for. It's just...I haven't had any of the good shit in like 25 minutes and I'm a little edgy. Come here, baby. You know I'd never hurt you. Look, I'm putting down the frying pan. There it is, right on the floor.
What's that? Fine, I'll put down the knife too. Just come here and hug me.
Why won't you hug me? Well, fuck you then, you cheap store whore! Fuck you! Get out! I hate you! I never want to see you again. Take this frying pan up your ass!!!
Kevin "Fuck You, Cheap Store Whore" Mitchell
Why won't you hug me? Well, fuck you then, you cheap store whore! Fuck you! Get out! I hate you! I never want to see you again. Take this frying pan up your ass!!!
Kevin "Fuck You, Cheap Store Whore" Mitchell
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Coca Cola Lottery SCAM
EXCERPT OF SPAM EMAIL I RECEIVED:
Mr. ANTHONY CAMPBELL
OFFICIAL PRIZE NOTIFICATION
This is to inform you that have been selected for a cash prize of $450,000.00. The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection system from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world...
The COCA-COLA LOTTERY is approved by the British/America Gaming Board and also Licensed by the International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public...
This is to inform you that have been selected for a cash prize of $450,000.00. The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection system from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world...
The COCA-COLA LOTTERY is approved by the British/America Gaming Board and also Licensed by the International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public...
All winnings not claimed on or before 4TH of OCTOMBER would be revoked. Winners are advised to keep their winning details/information from the public to avoid fraudulent claim...
Mr. ANTHONY CAMPBELL
(Lottery Manager)
MY RESPONSE:
Dear Sir:
This is a great honor. Truly. But alas, I do not think I can claim the prize before the 4th of "OCTOMBER" as you call it. You see, I imposed exile upon myself years ago. Now, I live under a bridge by a polluted river. I am a dirty man. I am a horny man. But mostly I am a horny, dirty, smelly man.
This money you speak of...I do not trust lottery winnings from brand new companies, and this "Coca-Cola" sounds like a flimsy, fly-by-night operation. Screw you. Screw you all to hell. I'm sorry, that was mean. But really, screw you and your whole dirty, thieving "Coca Cola" racket. What the hell kind of name is that for a company anyway? What do you guys sell -- scrunchies? It'll never make it.
God, I smell. I'm driving away people near me at this cyber cafe as we speak. Fuck you, cyber-customers! I don't know why I typed that, but I just yelled it at them and thought I'd share. Anyway, Mr. Anderson (if that is your real name)...what are you trying to sell me? Oh yeah, lottery money. Screw you and your lottery.
I'm sorry I say such hurtful things. I just know you'll hurt me like all the rest. Oh shit, the cyber cafe people called the police. Fuckin' hell, not again -- you punch one 10 year old child in the face and suddenly you're Public Enemy #1. God, I don't wanna go to prison again. I'd much rather go live under my bridge. I need to run...literally.
God bless you, Mr. Anderson.
Kevin "The Child Puncher" Mitchell
This is a great honor. Truly. But alas, I do not think I can claim the prize before the 4th of "OCTOMBER" as you call it. You see, I imposed exile upon myself years ago. Now, I live under a bridge by a polluted river. I am a dirty man. I am a horny man. But mostly I am a horny, dirty, smelly man.
This money you speak of...I do not trust lottery winnings from brand new companies, and this "Coca-Cola" sounds like a flimsy, fly-by-night operation. Screw you. Screw you all to hell. I'm sorry, that was mean. But really, screw you and your whole dirty, thieving "Coca Cola" racket. What the hell kind of name is that for a company anyway? What do you guys sell -- scrunchies? It'll never make it.
God, I smell. I'm driving away people near me at this cyber cafe as we speak. Fuck you, cyber-customers! I don't know why I typed that, but I just yelled it at them and thought I'd share. Anyway, Mr. Anderson (if that is your real name)...what are you trying to sell me? Oh yeah, lottery money. Screw you and your lottery.
I'm sorry I say such hurtful things. I just know you'll hurt me like all the rest. Oh shit, the cyber cafe people called the police. Fuckin' hell, not again -- you punch one 10 year old child in the face and suddenly you're Public Enemy #1. God, I don't wanna go to prison again. I'd much rather go live under my bridge. I need to run...literally.
God bless you, Mr. Anderson.
Kevin "The Child Puncher" Mitchell
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